My Servant Is An Elf Knight From Another World

We ate in silence, we drank in silence, but most especially… we sat in silence. 

Through our appetizers healthy and green, through our first refills of sparkling water, we've barely exchanged another word with each other throughout the whole while. Our eyes did most of the talking. 

As we fiddled and prodded our plates with salad forks and soup spoons, every once in a while, either her or I, perhaps sometimes both, would find ourselves catching each other's eye almost on the verge of saying something… but ultimately always just staring away with nothing.

Not much of a lively mood, all things considered… and just like my fancy leafy salad chomped and gnashed, the guilt was gnawing at me endlessly from the inside. 

This was a grandiose outing generously at her expense. An exorbitant, extravagant date burning a hole the size of Jupiter in her pocket, the least I could do was make an effort here… let her know I appreciate it.

So I did, I tried, I made an effort.

Picked the perfect moment, right before the main course arrived, in the middle of sipping her second refill, that's when I struck on the offense. 

"You know, you smell pretty nice." 

Now I certainly wasn't expecting to win any hearts of any fair maidens with such a golden one-liner, but I didn't think it warranted having her nearly choking to death on her drink the moment the words left my lips.

Seems just a touch bit of an overreaction if you ask me…

"Don't say that like that!" She gasped, immediately reaching for a napkin to stifle her coughs from spraying all over. 

Needless to say, I was nonplussed. "Say what like what?"

"That!" She pulled the napkin away from her lips "That I smell nice, don't say that!"

"What? B-But you do!"

"I know I do!" She said, for some reason genuinely exasperated. "But that doesn't mean you have to point it out so out of the blue!" 

"I'm sorry, did I just forget how compliments work or did you?" 

"Compliment? That was…? You have so many countless other options before you to compliment on. Why, by the Divines, did you go with how I smell?" 

I was seriously stumped on an answer there. She was right, it was a stupid thing to comment on, so why did I say it? Why?

"I-I don't know!" I blurted out, stupidly making the decision of speaking more instead of thinking more again. "I just like how you smell, alright?" 

Silence once more on either side. One that lingered long enough for our main course to be wheeled out before us, served before us, broken only by the best wishes from our server, departing our table with a supportive smile. 

Irene moved first. Fork in hand, knife in the other, all the while never once leaving me from her sights. 

"Duly noted," She muttered softly, finally settling her gaze elsewhere. "Now eat, don't let it get cold."

Wordlessly, I did as told, silverware in my clutches, fighting the growing urge to skewer them both into my nostrils, never to catch a whiff again.

After that last one, I decided to stave off of any more flattering compliments for the time being… and instead stuck to the tried and true method of engaging in small talk.

It worked well enough… for a while. And then I found myself drying up the well of topics fast, and before long we were back to our usual munching, staring, silent status-quo.

"By the way," I said, desperate for any form of engagement. "Have you got any leads on Jay yet?" 

From the look on her face, I could already tell this wasn't a discussion worth venturing. What are you thinking again, dumbass? This date is for leisure, not business. What are you doing bringing up taboo subjects?

Irene placed her fork and knife down, a little frown showing. "I don't believe he's even in town anymore actually." 

Wasn't expecting that.

"How do you mean?" I asked.

"See for yourself. Go on, close your eyes, try and sense him," She shook her head, when I closed them then opened them, sensing nothing, that frown more prominent now. "His presence is gone, nowhere to be found. I've even had Amelia scour the city too. Twice, in fact. No signs anywhere."

"You sure he isn't just hiding it, masking it somehow?" I said, throwing out ideas. 

"Presence like his, it's impossible. Plus if he did mask it, I'd have noticed that mask, and if not me, then Amelia… and if not Amelia, you. But there isn't any, so… most likely scenario is that he's moved on elsewhere to continue with whatever he's got planned undisturbed." 

"No plans on broadening your searches to the outside of town?"

'Plenty of plans, actually," She said. "But not yet, not now."

"What's stopping you?"

At that, she gave a snort, cracking one of those rare few smiles to show on her face, as she responded briefly, simply, "You." 

"Ah," I caught her drift, the implications left unsaid. "Well, I suppose I won't be stopping you for any longer. After tonight, that is…"

"That's the plan."

"Speaking of the plan," I said, suddenly finding a new well replenished. "What exactly happens after this? Dinner, I mean. Do we…? What are we doing?"

"I'm… well…" She darted her eyes about, scooting herself forward as she picked her utensils back up, cutting a little too hard into the meat there. "There's uh, I know a hotel nearby… it's a nice enough place, but I'm not saying to… yet, you know? There's still time, night's still young... if you want we could go do something else before we... I'm open to suggestions… I was thinking we could go and - SHIT!" 

That was her. Shrieking. Sudden and loud which positively absolutely did not just scare that shit out of me as well as a few nearby others. Eyes in a panic, she gazed at me… realizing only the next second after, she was actually staring directly right past me.

"I... Irene…?" 

When I didn't get an answer, I went searching for my own - following in the direction of her wide unblinking eyes - turning myself around and surveying the area around to see exactly what was making her shit herself like that.

As far as I could see, all was anything but amiss. Just rows of tables enjoying their meals, clinking their glasses. Servers pacing up and down swirly steamy silver platters in hand. The receptionist handling receptions talking to a well-dressed man in a tux and a lady wrapped around his arm.

Yeah, pretty much no cause for alarm, nor any spontaneous outbursts like the one she blurted, so I whirled myself around back to face her, only to find her hiding behind a large purse that I didn't even know she had all this while, her sharp hazel eyes barely peeking over the top. 

"Is this a drug bust?" I innocently wondered aloud. "You're acting as if you just got your cover nearly blown." 

From what little I could see of her gaze, she didn't look too amused.

"It did just get nearly blown!" She whispered at me frantically. "I'm supposed to be on sick leave!" 

"Uh-huh," I leaned to the side, trying to get a better look at her. "Well, I ain't no doctor, but you don't look too sick to me."

"Exactly!" She said, nudging her head forward and redirecting my eyes back to the man by the reception lady. "But he doesn't need to know that. You get the picture?" 

I took a moment to stare closer. He was a weathered-looking man that had a commanding air about him similar to Irene's. Well-built too, a tall and lean stature despite looking on the verge of hitting seventy. 

"And who's he?" I asked, fairly certain that I might already know who. 

"The police commissioner," Irene answered, immediately ducking back down when he suddenly threw a glance our way. 

"Ah, no wonder he looked familiar," I said, acting casual… well as casual as I can with a large black purse suddenly replacing my date. "Saw him on the news a couple of times when the Blight got cleansed."

"Mmm, mmm," affirmed the purse. "And also a walking talking lecture on the misuse of sick leave just waiting to happen." 

"Oh-ho, Irene, Irene," I said, deepening my voice grim. "You bad girl, you. Naughty girl, you." 

"Shut up! Shut up!"

Well, as distressing a situation as she thought it was, I found the whole thing quite amusing actually. I've never seen Irene shrinking away from anyone before.

"I'm not risking another peek," She told me. "Tell me, is he leaving or just entering?"

"If he's leaving now, he's probably already noticed you anyway. You do sorta stick out the way you are, you know?"

"Just check," She hissed at me.

So check I did. Veering my eyes one second, and returning the next, accompanied by her long-awaited answer at the tip of my tongue.

"Leaving, it seems. He's just a chatty guy, apparently."

"Too chatty, actually..."

Irene breathed out a sigh of relief, but just when I thought she'd rein herself back a little, she instead went even further all in on this covert espionage act of hers.

"I'm hiding out in the restroom for the time being," She told me, rummaging through her purse and pulling out her phone. "You text me when he's gone, alright?"

I got another suggestion in mind, however.

"How about you don't do that," I said, failing to suppress a bemused smirk from showing. "How about you stay, and in a while, we'll joke and laugh about how silly you were acting five minutes ago, which I'm sure is pretty much how long he'll stick around for anyway."

"Five minutes it is, then," She cautiously stood up, eyeing me deep with the threat of agonizing death flurrying within her piercing brown pupils. "Text me. Text. Me. Understood?" 

I raised both hands up, absolute uncontested compliance wide in my eyes. "Yes, ma'am. Loud and clear."

Then just like that, she scurried herself from out of sight so fast and so quick I didn't even have a chance to blink, leaving such a shockwave in her wake, she had the table shaking and her purse toppling, spilling the contents all over the place and leaving me behind to clean up all mess myself.

And she had the gall to tell me not to deliberately let my food get cold? Sheesh, this girl… seriously…

Welp, with nothing else better to do, I went straight ahead to purging any and all evidence incriminating her to the scene of the crime by tossing all her things one by one straight back into her purse. 

Lipstick sunk within with a 360 flip, her police badge landed with a muffled thud, and her wallet followed right after, some stray police notes, business cards with phone numbers from unwanted solicitors - all in. 

Y'know, just the usual things you'd find in a detective succubus' purse, same old, same old… even that funny-looking small set of wrapper things near her wine glass there, they were normal too.

Wait, funny-looking wrapper what wha -?

Oh.

I let my hand shoot out instant like a bullet, seizing it, feeling it scrunching and poking, rustling within my palm. Now it was my turn to get all subtle and sneaky, vigilant eyes scanning left and right, as I slowly rested my hand atop my lap, unclamping one by one, rigid, tense fingers.

The breath that flared out of my nostrils right then, staring down, was one that left me hot and heavy. 

They looked strange… seeing them this up-close and personal. I've seen them before, of course… just never at this angle, and definitely never in this amount. 

That distinct squarish shape of the plastic foil, the unmistakable circular rim protruding out of said foil… I let it crinkle around in my hand for a bit, all the while wondering, pondering, and thinking to myself - 

Why in the hell did Irene think it necessary to bring so many fucking condoms?!

There's at least like - twelve! I dunno! I couldn't spare a moment to count them in my leisure. The moment I realized what they were, I smushed them hard into my fist again and hastily stuffed them back into her purse as deep as it would let me. 

Irene… Irene… you naughty… you bad...

I slumped back into my seat, feeling my face searing hot, and taking a large sip of my glass to cool myself back down and not arouse any suspicion. 

Drinking, and drinking. Calming and cooling. 

Until…

"Excuse me, young man," said a voice in my peripheral view. 

A tall man, a lean man, a man whose appearance was so unexpected, I nearly became a human water sprinkler at just the sight of him alone.

Settling my glass down, I choked back a cough, looking the very picture of normality outwardly, but internally on a total nuclear meltdown, meeting the man's steely gaze.

Yep, he looked the commissioner type alright…

"Yes?" I asked, blinking blankly. "Can I help you?"

"Yes, you may," He spoke, in a voice brimming with so much strength, so much authority… but yet smiling so kindly, with even gentler-looking wrinkles prominently forming at the motion. "Just wondering… are you sitting alone?"

That was a weird question. Old and weary as he may be, I doubt his eyes had gone past their expiration date. We both could see the unattended purse sitting across from me. What other possible conclusion could you derive from the sight apart from the most obvious one?

Nevertheless, I went ahead and answered the question as vaguely as I could, "For the time being, yes."

"Splendid! Then, just for the time being..." Unprompted, he walked forward, sat down, and placed his rugged hands onto the table, all still with that friendly smile. "I hope you won't mind entertaining this old man for a fair few minutes."

Turns out, that was my mistake. 

"You see," He leaned in forward, shaking his head slightly abashed. "I'm an awfully chatty guy. As Irene no doubt have mentioned to you." 

Probably should have gone to the bathroom too.

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