My Demons

I’m overwhelmed by indescribable emotions in my chest.

In Middle World, you’re regarded as an adult once you turn sixteen.

So, the current situation, where the adult Ellen has developed feelings for the adult Phoenix, isn’t strange at all.

However, I’m not from this world. I couldn’t help but experience uncomfortable emotions that nobody in Middle World would comprehend.

It feels like a conflict inside me between Phoenix, a murderer who’s taken hundreds of lives, and Kim Seung-soo, who possesses modern sensibilities.

After a moment of silence, Ellen raises her head slightly to gaze up at me.

The cloud of gloom that had settled on her face had somehow dissipated, replaced by an unexplainable anxiety.

Cautiously, I chose to avoid this issue.

“Regardless of your feelings, work is work. What will happen if you lie here while our comrades are out there fighting?”

Her relief or disappointment quickly vanishes, and her face turns cold.

“Why do I even have to do this work in the first place?”

“What? What are you talking about? Obviously—”

“Exactly. Isn’t this something you’re doing because of your hero complex?”

As I narrow my eyes in silence, Ellen taunts me.

“Did it feel that great to get attention from the prince and the lord? Or do you think you’re a true hero now because you’ve earned the reputation of a ‘bloodstained swordsman’?”

“What nonsense are you talking about?”

“We completed our mission and handed over evidence of the conspiracy. Why are you actively seeking danger?”

“Well…”

As I hesitate, Ellen continues.

“Did you forget our initial agreement? To earn money from the missions and look for an opportunity to escape the city and head north! But what’s this? We’ve ensnared ourselves in the net again after all the hardships!”

“The situation has changed. Prince Ulkar has arrived, and soon an army will move to break the siege. If the operation succeeds, we can save the city.”

“So what do we gain? Do you want to risk your life for a few more gold coins? Who was the one who said not to risk our comrades’ lives for a few pennies?”

“Do you think I’m doing this for money?”

“I don’t know! What’s certain is that you’re not considering me. You’re dragging me into danger and only caring about others!”

“What? You—”

My head is burning.

I take a deep breath to calm my excitement.

“Are you serious?”

“About what?”

“That I’m putting you in danger and not caring about you?”

“…That’s how I felt.”

“Huh.”

Ellen probably didn’t mean it either.

She’s just angry and wants to hurt me in any way possible. These words must have been spoken without much thought.

I understand it logically, but emotionally, I can’t accept it.

“…That’s not true.”

“What isn’t?”

“I’ve never intentionally put you in danger, and I’ve never not cared about you.”

“……”

“I’ve always tried to protect you when things got dangerous. I’ve always cared more about you than anyone else.”

“……”

“I never expected myself to risk my life for someone else. That’s something only firefighters can do. I’ve never done it in my life, and I thought I never would.”

I let out all the words that had been bottled up in my heart.

“Sure, I was hesitant because I was afraid I’d regret it. It’s not like I was seeking your recognition. But still, I didn’t want to hear that from you.”

“…I, I,”

After stammering for a moment, Ellen closed her lips.

A brief silence.

I brushed my hair back and put on my helmet.

“I’m tired too.”

“…What?”

“I’m tired of covering for you. I’m annoyed by your arbitrary actions and how you treat other people.”

Ah, I’ve made a mistake.

It turns out both Ellen and I are equally prone to hurtful words when upset.

“I, what did I do?”

Ellen’s rosy lips trembled.

I knew I had to let it go, but I couldn’t suppress my anger. I wonder if my mental age has regressed along with my body.

“What have you done? You’ve ignored me, scoffed at me, treated me like an idiot. You act as if you deliberately ruin other people’s moods.”

“I told you I’ll be careful. And it’s not on purpose; that’s just how I speak.”

“Sure, what would I know about you? Always self-contemplating through meditation? You must know yourself best.” At my sarcasm, Ellen’s clenched fists trembled, and she opened her mouth with difficulty.

“You… you. You can’t do this to me.”

“Do what? You just blabber to people.”

“It’s not like that with you. Why are you making such a fuss?”

Her eyes began to droop, and her voice shrank as if overwhelmed by emotions.

Stop it, Kim Seung-soo.

Apologize for the harsh words and pat her shoulders. Then, she’ll sob her eyes out, so make light jokes to defuse the tension.

However, my voice remained cold.

“You’re going to keep this up?”

“What have I done?”

“Sigh. I’m leaving.”

“Wait, wait. We’re not done talking.”

“People are waiting. Do whatever you want.”

“Who?”

“What.”

“Who’s waiting? Are they that important?”

“They’re important to me because they’re my colleagues. Grania and Arnal are coming.”

Upon hearing that, Ellen’s mouth dropped open as if she had heard something dreadful.

“‘My’ colleagues?”

“Yes, ‘my colleagues’.”

Seeing her expression harden, I added, “What’s the problem now?”

“How could you?”

“How could I what?”

“What gives you the right to say that?”

The setting sun blended with the light clouds, creating a ripple-like effect.

The light streaming in through the window caught the moisture in Ellen’s blue eyes and sparkled.

“My colleagues… what on Earth are you talking about?”

“……”

“Your colleague is me, you idiot…” As soon as she finished, Ellen burst into tears. She shook her shoulders violently as she sobbed.

“Euhuh, ehue, hueuhu…” Ellen slumped to the floor, hugging her knees.

Quietly observing her, I knelt down and reached my hand out to her shoulder.

No, I clenched my fist instead.

What I realized after spending a night with Daria is that ‘kindness’ is rare in this world.

Smiling kindly at strangers and showing goodwill is more appropriate for saints.

Considering how Daria interpreted my actions as affection, isn’t this world too harsh?

Perhaps it’s also my fault that Ellen developed a fondness for me.

For Ellen, it’s unfamiliar for someone to approach her without ill intent, to act friendly, and to protect her.

She might have even misunderstood the affection that unconsciously radiated from my actions as if she were my niece.

“Hueuh, huhuh.”

Finally, I stood up in front of sobbing Ellen.

Yes, this is better.

If I understand her feelings yet offer ambiguous kindness, isn’t that the wrong thing to do?

I left the room with heavy footsteps.

Thud.

I closed the door, but Ellen’s crying only became more audible.

***

“What the hell are you talking about?”

I widened my eyes in anger, and the captain of the guard narrowed his.

“Watch your language.”

“Language my ass, you’re spouting such nonsense?”

As my voice filled with rage, Luke quickly stepped forward to restrain me.

“Phoenix, calm down. You’re too agitated.”

“No, I’m not agitated, I’m just… Sigh.”

I removed my helmet and abruptly rose from my seat.

The heavily armed guards glared at me, but as soon as they met my defiant gaze, they quickly averted their eyes.

“Move aside, you idiots.”

I pushed through the soldiers with my shoulder and exited the guardhouse.

Grania, Arnal, and Luke trailed after me, but I gestured for them to refrain.

“…Let’s go.”

I departed from the inn, leaving Ellen, who had been shedding tears, behind. The carefully planned operation had failed miserably.

Even though two or three hours had elapsed since sunset, the informant hadn’t made a move. Initially, I thought the variables I introduced had caused him to stay inactive. I assumed that Prince Ulkar’s arrival in the city had affected the informant’s operation.

But reality painted a different picture.

About thirty minutes ago, while waiting at the guardhouse, I took a stroll around the city out of growing frustration due to the lack of information. That’s when I noticed a significant presence of guards near the salt castle.

When I questioned the guard captain out of suspicion, he admitted to sharing the situation with the lord’s personal guards because he was concerned about the lord’s safety. Information had leaked.

“Ah, this damn mess…”

I specifically instructed the guard captain not to disclose anything, but he had informed his confidant anyway. My anger threatened to erupt.

No, it was my mistake to assume the guard captain would unquestioningly follow my orders.

The guard captain’s loyalty ultimately lay with the lord. It was only natural for him to prioritize the lord’s well-being while carrying out his duties. I was the fool for failing to realize that.

The cold sea breeze caused the short hem of my cloak to flutter, and it helped cool my head a bit…

Now, how could I reach the ‘Unveiled Witch’? Leaving things to unfold according to the plan felt too risky.

…But was it actually a wise choice? Was it safer to maintain the status quo rather than recklessly altering the course of events and introducing new variables?

No, that wasn’t the right approach. I had to leverage my knowledge of the future. I couldn’t remain passive indefinitely. Why shouldn’t I seize an early advantage by apprehending the ‘Unveiled Witch’?

I already knew their identity, so should I confront them directly? …Ah, no. Regardless of how I thought about it, that would be far too reckless.

Ah, my head was throbbing. Nothing seemed to offer a solution.

“Ah, Brother Phoenix!”

“Hmm?”

I turned at the voice and saw a young man with tousled brown hair approaching me with a wide grin.

“Parel?”

“Hehe. Long time no see, brother. I heard my sister caused you a lot of trouble.”

Grania’s brother, Parel, was unlike his sister and radiated boundless cheerfulness.

He was outgoing and made friends wherever he went; in short, he was a typical ‘social butterfly.’

During our last gathering, he sang with gusto, surprising everyone with his unexpectedly good voice. It had left quite an impression on me.

Furthermore, despite his slender build, he was reputed to be highly skilled with a spear.

I hadn’t personally witnessed him throw a spear, but when I recalled his combat in the trenches, he appeared to hold his own as a mercenary.

I chuckled and shook my head.

“What trouble? We helped each other.”

“I heard everything. You went to great lengths to save my sister.”

“Who told you that?”

“Arnal did.”

Fair enough.

“But what brings you here?”

“I was bored, so I followed the messenger. Just wanted to see you.”

Come to think of it, Parel and Gillius were still part of the royal guard.

Well, if they had been dismissed immediately after Grania’s return, it would have raised suspicions that they were being held as hostages. They would probably remain in the royal guard for a while before being reassigned to the border guard or city gate security force, or perhaps their contracts would be terminated.

…Wait a second. Royal guard?

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

“What are you doing in the royal guard?”

“Just odd jobs, really. Sometimes I fill in for patrol or security.”

“Security? At the Salt Castle?”

In response to my puzzled question, Parel made an ‘oops’ expression.

“Ah, you mustn’t tell anyone about this, okay?”

“Why?”

“Because if the captain of the royal guard or the commander finds out, I’m in trouble.”

I wanted to inquire further, but at that moment, a messenger from the royal guard emerged from the guard barracks, so I had to let Parel go.

The royal guard… the royal guard.

From that moment, a nagging worry lingered until I returned to the inn after the guards disbanded without any accomplishments.

The conversation between Luke and Daria snapped me out of my deep thoughts.

“What are you talking about?”

“Didn’t Ellen go with you?”

“…Excuse me?”

My heart sank.

Luke, with a stern voice, scolded Daria.

“Ellen was supposed to stay in the room. What are you saying?”

“Oh, Ellen left right after you and Phoenix left with the mercenaries.”

“Where did she say she was going?”

Daria replied with a slightly pale face.

“I didn’t ask specifically. She doesn’t like talking to me. I assumed she followed you and Phoenix.”

“What a disaster…”

Ellen—left?

Why on earth…

I felt weak in the knees and slumped into a chair at the bar.

“Heh, hah.”

I felt suffocated.

Suddenly, the image of an amusement park flashed before my eyes.

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