Second Try Idol

Hiss-

White smoke rose from a cigarette held in Yoo Hye-Jeong’s lips.

“Sigh..."

Although she wanted to refrain from smoking as much as possible today, her resolution crumbled as it always did given her patient's profession. Her face was weary as she gazed into the void, and a sigh filled with resignation escaped her lips again. Then, Lee Su-Hwan approached her with his refined footsteps and asked, “How did it go, Doctor?"

As Su-Hwan handed Yoo Hye-Jeong the coffee he had bought, she glanced at him and then looked back into the void. “You can just call me Senior. We are from the same university, aren't we?"

“But still..."

She was Yoo Hye-Jeong—a psychiatric specialist at Tinta University Hospital and a junior of Shim Sang-Bok, the CEO of YMM Entertainment. She took on the treatment of Chronos's Suh Hyun-Woo upon the request of her university senior, CEO Shim.

“Hmm."

“How is Hyun-Woo?"

“Usually?"

Yoo Hye-Jeong nodded. “Something like his relationship with his fellow members and his demeanor at work. Did he show any symptoms of depression that others would notice? You are always with him, so you should know."

“Symptoms..." Lee Su-Hwan shook his head after pondering seriously. “There weren't any. He gets along well with his fellow members and is very passionate about his career. Until the topic of airplanes came up, there was no problem at all."

Of course, Suh Hyun-Woo was excessively shy and sometimes seemed lost in thought, but that was more of Suh Hyun-Woo's personality rather than symptoms. Thus, when he trembled severely and avoided the topic of airplanes, and then his fellow members expressed their concerns about his frequent nightmares, Su-Hwan couldn’t help but worry about it.

At Lee Su-Hwan's words, Yoo Hye-Jeong's expression grew even more unreadable. “...He is doing well, you say? Does he communicate well?"

“Yes, is there a problem?"

Yoo Hye-Jeong remained silent for a while. Then, with a light laugh, she shook her head and said, "No, I was just wondering.”

No matter what, she couldn't carelessly disclose her patient's condition. She shrugged lightly and continued, “Then, it seems like he doesn't trust me yet. Don't worry too much and just wait. I will go back in after finishing this."

“Ah, Doctor..."

“Hm?"

Lee Su-Hwan's gaze was filled with discomfort, looking at Yoo Hye-Jeong's cigarette. She let out a small sigh and stubbed out the cigarette in the ashtray.

“Sorry, I can't help it when things don't go well. I get it," remarked Yoo Hye-Jeong. She then sprayed some deodorizer and let out an awkward laugh.

“Anyway, let's observe him for now. I will prescribe some anxiolytics and sleeping pills. Just put him to sleep for any urgent overseas schedules. That’s the best solution for Hyun-Woo."

“Ah..."

“I will go back in."

This time, she had to make Hyun-Woo talk. A determined look flashed in Yoo Hye-Jeong's eyes as she turned around.

***

“Hyun-Woo."

“...Yes. I'm sorry."

“..."

Yoo Hye-Jeong wondered why he was apologizing without even raising his head. Or was it his way of saying he didn't want to talk about anything?

She looked at the young man before her, who seemed to shrink into himself. He was a boy who had just turned twenty. Although she wasn't very familiar with the entertainment industry, she heard he was a member of a very popular idol group.

Working as a psychiatric specialist in a university hospital often involved treating famous people, but honestly, Suh Hyun-Woo was among the more difficult patients. After all, he hadn't spoken a word about himself since sitting down with her. Whenever she asked something, he would just mumble and seem lost, which made her wonder if he was really the one who had agreed to the consultation.

Meeting him in person revealed that the problem wasn't just aerophobia. There was a deeper wound, an illness of the heart.

‘Could he have an unspeakable secret?'

From what she heard, there hadn't been any particular incidents during Suh Hyun-Woo's trainee days or his debut. If he was reluctant to talk about airplanes or acrophobia, she didn't want to force him to speak.

Yoo Hye-Jeong said, “It's okay to talk about anything."

As soon as she started to speak, Suh Hyun-Woo's face turned even paler. The frustration of not being able to express himself and the look of someone about to cry out of nervousness were pitiable beyond the doctor-patient relationship.

He surely wanted to get better. Perhaps he had resolved to do so and had agreed to the treatment, but the embarrassment of having to reveal more than he intended caused him to shut down.

‘Who can I even talk to about my situation? Who would understand me?'

It seemed as if his thoughts were transparent.

“...The prescription is already done. So relax, stop trembling now."

“..."

“I won't say anything either."

“Sorry?" Suh Hyun-Woo looked bewildered as Yoo Hye-Jeong gestured to her eyes.

“I will even close my eyes. I will just listen, so why don't you say whatever is on your mind?" She decided to change her approach and not converse at all, becoming like a wall similar to the anonymous confession sites like the Bamboo Forest[1] next to Tinta University Hospital.

Though the prescription was already complete, and it might seem excessive to go this far, this was Yoo Hye-Jeong's professional dedication. She wanted to alleviate even a bit of her patient's pain and take on some of the burden he was carrying alone, even as a stranger. However, she didn’t know whether this would work for Suh Hyun-Woo.

“Whatever we talk about today will remain a secret I won't share with anyone. That's a given. Not with your company and not even with family. I will listen and forget it all by myself."

“Ah..."

“So, even if you say you suddenly grew wings and flew, it's fine." Yoo Hye-Jeong reached her hand out toward Suh Hyun-Woo. He was startled, but she just laughed lightly and held his hand.

A mix of cigarette smoke and deodorizer scent wafted over. Yet, she exuded a strangely comforting aura. Yoo Hye-Jeong then flipped Suh Hyun-Woo’s hand over and placed a water cup in it. “I'm here to help you, Hyun-Woo. I won't do anything you are not comfortable with."

She leaned back in her chair, closed her eyes, and turned away demonstratively. She continued, “Talking about one's true feelings requires courage and a bit of shamelessness, even if you are not understood. I won't force you."

“...Okay."

“It's okay to lie or make things up. I will just sit here quietly for exactly ten minutes." Then Yoo Hye-Jeong actually turned away and said nothing more.

Suh Hyun-Woo watched her back, and he was unsure of what to do. He just chewed his lips.

***

‘The sudden turn was meant to make me feel at ease, but…’

“Sigh..." I sighed deeply and looked at the back of the doctor's head. She even mentioned lies and making things up was okay. I only had to speak whatever was on my mind.

The moment the unfamiliar gaze was no longer on me, my thoughts became organized. I could calmly reflect on my thoughts. Until just a moment ago, I was in so much pain because I felt I had nothing honest to say. However, now I thought, maybe I could have just said “I fell from somewhere.”

After all, the doctor wouldn't know what my daily life as a trainee was like, or whether I had ever been on a plane... But still, I sorted my thoughts and hesitated for a long time. “...I think whatever I have… will not be cured…"

“..."

“I feel like nothing will get better." From experience, I knew it was best not to talk about pains and sorrows that couldn't be understood by others. I'd only receive sympathy or empty encouragement. The reason I sometimes felt terrorized by people's gazes, developed a fear of heights, had nightmares, or felt anxious was because these were secrets I had to carry alone until death.

“If I don't talk about it... can it be resolved just with medication?" I didn't want to be treated as a weirdo for sharing an incomprehensible story. My hand that was holding the cup was shaking so much that I quickly clenched it into a fist.

‘Why can't I escape the pain even until now?’ Neither my relationship with my parents nor the wounds in my heart had healed. It seemed like the things I was afraid of only increased.

‘Why me? Why is this happening?’ A sense of injustice made me cry, and I struggled to breathe.

I ignored the tears falling and said, “All I want is to achieve my dreams..."

“..."

I didn't understand why it was so hard to feel excited and happy about joyful stuff. “It's my first overseas schedule, and I didn't want to ruin it for everyone, so I sought counseling. Can you just help me handle the schedule well? I'm sorry... Maybe I'm not ready yet. I'm sorry."

The promised ten minutes with the doctor passed. After that, the doctor turned back to look at me and wore a much sadder expression than before. “You will be able to handle the schedule. As I mentioned before, the prescription is done. But I will need to discuss this with Su-Hwan and set up a follow-up appointment."

“..."

“We will have to continue this until I hear something outrageous from you, Hyun-Woo. I can't say the treatment is over like this. Anyway, thank you for saying something."

The doctor handed me a business card and stepped back. She said, “I might not be available during treatment hours, but feel free to contact me anytime. That's all for today....You've cried. You must feel terrible."

Then she turned and opened the door to the conference room. “It's over."

On the other side of the door, I saw two familiar faces. One was the manager, who came with me to the company, and Joo-Han. The two of them peered from a distance to check on me, and then their expressions hardened.

“Hyun-Woo, did you cry?" asked Joo-Han.

“What... How did you know I was in counseling?"

Joo-Han approached me quickly and examined my face. “I should at least be aware of what my members are up to as a leader. I came because something seemed off. Why did you cry? Things must have been tough. I didn't know."

“Huh?"

After Su-Hwan left with the doctor, I was awkwardly caught by Joo-Han and had to listen to his worried words. “I was worried because you seemed to be in a bad state recently. How did I not realize it was this bad?"

“Hyung?"

Joo-Han muttered to himself seriously and then hugged me tightly. It seemed like he had been talking to Ji-Hyuk a lot recently and even caught his overflowing affection.

Anyway, being with someone who made me feel at ease cleared my mind and calmed my nervous heart.

Joo-Han asked, “Do you need your support system? Yoon-Chan is currently at the dorm."

“Ah, please make sure to tell them to let Yoon-Chan sit next to me on the plane, hyung," I replied. I then got up and left the conference room with Joo-Han, who put on a somewhat worried and joking expression.

1. In Korea, the metaphorical "Bamboo Forest" refers to anonymous platforms where people can freely share their secrets and thoughts without revealing their identity, akin to confession boards in universities or online sites. This provides a safe space for individuals to express themselves candidly, offering relief from societal pressures and emphasizing the importance of privacy and community support. ☜

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