Return of the Runebound Professor

Noah followed Axil’s horrified gaze down to the grimoire resting on the ground before him. For a terrible moment, he feared that the book had decided to start plastering pornography across its pages again — but it wasn’t even open.

The cover was dormant, the eye design that adorned it inanimate and fast asleep. There was absolutely nothing worth gaping over. Noah looked back over to Axil. She was still staring at the book like it had just killed her entire family and offered her a thirty-course meal made from their bodies.

Did it draw something and then get rid of it before I could see it?

“What is that?” Axil repeated, straining back in the chair in an attempt to get herself as far away from the grimoire as possible. Her features twisted with disgust and unease and she pulled at the vines, successfully trying to free herself from them.

“This is a book,” Noah replied, failing to keep his confusion from entering his voice. “A big one. You’re not scared of reading, are you? Wait — do they teach reading in the Damned Plains? Do they even have schools here? Is that what’s going on? Are you scared of education?”

The small demon didn’t respond. It barely even seemed like she’d heard him speaking. Her gaze was firmly locked on the book, eyes unwilling to tear themselves free in spite of the horror in her features.

Noah looked over to Moxie and Lee. “Did the book do something naughty? It’s still got some bad habits that I’m trying to work out of it. We had an understanding that it wouldn’t go around flashing people anymore, and I’m going to have to go discipline it if it’s ignoring me.”

The book flapped in protest in Noah’s hands, but he ignored it. He trusted the book just about as far as he could throw it — which, ironically enough, depended entirely on how light the book wanted to make itself at the moment.

“Your book is flashing people?” Lee asked.

“Axil is a face-ripping demon,” Moxie said flatly, crossing her arms in front of her chest. “Do you really think seeing a pair of tits would be enough to do this to her?”

Noah looked back over to the small demoness. She was still squirming in her chair. Moxie’s vines kept her from running, but the mask of horror on her face hadn’t so much as budged.

“Maybe they don’t have a very good sex ed program in the Damned Plains,” Noah said. “It could have been Axil’s first time seeing them. Could certainly be quite the surprise. You never know.”

“Mirrors exist.”

“So do idiots. Maybe she’s never seen one.”

“And she’s never looked down either?”

“Okay, point taken,” Noah said, scratching at the back of his neck. “And this is a bit much even if that was the case. They’re not that scary.”

“Maybe it drew a dick,” Lee said.

“Why do you know what that is?” Noah asked. “I don’t really know why, but I feel like you shouldn’t know what that is. Actually, don’t answer that question. I don’t think I want to know.”

Noah turned the book around and flipped it open to an empty page. He arched an eyebrow and prodded it. “What happened? What did you do?”

Ink sketched across the book’s pages, drawing out a rather confused-looking stick figure. Noah narrowed his eyes, but the book showed him nothing else. It seemed to be equally as confused as he was.

Noah blew out a heavy sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose. This was a pain in the ass, but maybe there was a chance he could turn it to his advantage. He wasn’t above using the grimoire as a threat if it got Axil to actually play ball.

“Wake up. I’m still here,” Noah said, snapping his fingers in front of the small demon’s face. She blinked, finally tearing her gaze away from the grimoire, and looked up to him. “Are you ready to properly bargain yet?”

“It’s horrible,” Axil muttered.

“I’ll take that as a no,” Noah said. He tapped the grimoire, drawing Axil’s eyes back to its pages. “New offer. You tell us just what Sievan is willing to give us for my rune, or I leave you locked in a room with this thing and let it draw whatever it wants.”

The grimoire’s pages flapped.

Moxie hid a sigh.

“I don’t think the book drew anything,” she whispered.

“Can’t rule it out,” Noah replied in the same whisper. “You never know. It’s a sly one.”

This story has been taken without authorization. Report any sightings.

“No!” Axil exclaimed, cringing back into the vines behind her. “Don’t leave me with it!”

The eye on the back cover of the book snapped open and lifted to meet Noah’s gaze. It squinted, then rolled as if to ask, what’s her problem?

Noah almost felt bad for it. This was a bit of an overreaction — especially if it hadn’t actually drawn anything. He still wasn’t convinced that it was innocent, but the incident with Bird had hopefully been a one-time thing. Noah was pretty sure the book was too rune-hungry to risk its source of energy over some stupid pranks. Pretty sure, but not completely sure.

“Is it the book you’re scared of?” Noah asked, watching Axil’s expression carefully. “Or is it the forbidden knowledge within?”

“Tits are not forbidden knowledge,” Moxie said. “Especially not poorly drawn ones.”

“I thought you didn’t think it drew anything. And how do you know they’re poorly drawn? This thing is pretty talented.”

The eye bobbed up and down in appreciation of the compliment. Noah glared at it, and it jerked to a halt. Its eye sank back into the leather, returning to a plain design.

“Don’t encourage it,” Moxie said. “Reinforcing negative behaviors is always a bad idea.”

“What is it, a child?”

“It is a wretched perversion of nature that should not exist,” Axil rasped, finally finding the words to muster up an answer. “What kind of demon are you, to tolerate the presence of such a vile object?”

“I don’t think it drew anything,” Lee said.

“Yeah, I think you’re probably right. Not even a huge prude would have a reaction this bad to art in poor taste. Axil, what exactly is your problem with my grimoire?”

“You ask me?” Axil asked, incredulously. “Do you seek to mock me? To unnerve me to the point where I fail Lord Sievan and offer you what you wish? It will not work. Not even something as wretched as—”

“Tell me what or I’m going to hit you with the book.”

Axil stared at Noah. “What?”

Noah lifted the grimoire. Enormous it might have been, but in his hands, the huge book barely felt like it weighed more than a piece of cardboard. The biggest problem hitting anything with it would be the air resistance.

“You heard me.”

“You would not dare. Your handling of such a vile instrument is already enough to fill my throat with bile. Such an affront to one of Lord Sievan’s followers would be like spitting on his face.”

“I am going to hit you with the book.”

“You will not—”

Noah hit her with the book.

It wasn’t a particularly hard strike. It was more of a light thonk to the top of her head, like he was rapping it with a rather oversized ruler. Noah couldn’t deny that it felt incredibly satisfying, but he would vehemently refuse any insinuation that he’d done it purely because he wanted to see what it would happen.

Axil recoiled, letting out a catlike hiss. “You wretched—”

“I’ll do it again,” Noah warned, lifting the book over his head. “I can do this all day. Literally. It’s very light.”

“You attempt to blackmail one of Lord Sievan’s own.”

“There’s no attempt in the picture. I’m quite literally doing it,” Noah said. He hoisted the book. “I don’t even feel bad about this, which really isn’t saying much, but I figure I’ll mention it anyway. Nobody has ever died from getting konked on the head a few times with a few pieces of paper.”

“No! Get that away from me!” Axil demanded. She writhed in the chair and the vines bound tighter around her, keeping the demon from escaping. “Do not touch me with that corpse!”

Noah paused. He looked from Axil to the book, then back to Axil. “This is a book. I’m pretty sure we covered this bit already. I didn’t hit you that hard.”

“A book made of a corpse,” Axil snarled, her head pushing against the vines behind her so heavily that they were starting to smush. “Don’t play coy with me, Spider. You know what that is. Any demon would know what that is when their flesh came into contact with it.”

The eye on the book snapped open and swiveled down to stare at Axil.

“Humor me,” Noah said.

Lee’s picked this thing up more than once. She’s never mentioned a word about it.

“You play me for a fool,” Axil spat.

Noah hoisted the book.

Axil paled.

“The book you sully your hands with is bound with the still-living flesh of demon-kind,” the demoness spat. “Its canvas is a broken, disgusting mess. It bears the souls of the demons that were withered, ripped apart, and forced together. Its leather is burnt demonflesh, the screams long since silenced. That is a vile abomination that lingers between life and death, any remaining desire that its constituents may have had withered and lost within its pages. It is an affront to both life and death, hovering between both but belonging to neither. It is the most hideous thing I have ever laid eyes upon. Remove it from my presence.”

Noah paused. He looked up at the grimoire in his hands. Axil’s claim didn’t exactly answer any unasked questions, but it did feel like it could make sense. He had wondered exactly how the book could just store infinite runes. Nothing like that ever worked through sunshine and rainbows. Squishing a bunch of demons into a blender and making a book out of them was definitely pretty evil sounding. More than enough of a sacrifice to make a powerful evil magical item.

“Can this be undone?”

“No. Their souls are shredded, their forms combined. That vile book is now what they once were. A new creature, one that can only be purged,” Axil said. A smug note entered her voice. “I do not know how you were blind, but your eyes have been opened. You wield the twisted bodies of your bretheren. Lord Sievan—”

Whelp. Can’t do anything about it, then. Bummer. Sorry. I’m keeping the book, though.

“Is not here,” Noah finished. “Now start talking about what he’s going to give me for my Rune, or I’m going to smack you with the corpse-stick again.”

I really do have to figure out what the fuck this thing is when I get a chance, but now is not that time. Can’t lose the momentum I’ve built up. One problem at a time, thank you very much.

Axil gaped at Noah. “You know what that vile object is, and yet you continue to use it?”

“I’m about to set a record for the most times I’ve smacked someone’s head with a blended-up demon corpse in one minute.”

“You wouldn’t—”

Noah did a remarkable rendition of Moxie and arched his eyebrow.

Axil swallowed. “Perhaps we can come to an agreement. Don’t touch me with that disgusting… thing. Please.”

Noah smiled.

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