Chapter 354
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[ ‘Does the kind of beauty that satisfies all people even exist? If not, do I have to constantly change my appearance? On some days, do I have to take off or attach my tail, while on others I have to tear or sew back my wings? Then, how can I ever call this appearance myself?’
At some point, Belle was overcome by an unbearable feeling of disgust every time she faced a mirror. Her beautiful appearance that gathered the praises of all humans was merely a skin lent by God, nothing had changed who she was from the inside.
Belle painfully scratched her cheek in thought.
‘Will I finally be happy if I rip this flesh off and put it back on? Shall I crawl back into Forma’s belly and be born as the eighth or ninth child instead?’
Belle grew to hate any kind of praise for her appearance. The humans were praising her skin, but not Belle herself. Even if the Belle inside that skin disappeared, humans would seem to still kneel in front of the empty vassal while praising its beauty.
Forma, unable to watch Belle in pain any longer, spoke again.
“Why are you suffering?”
Belle cried.
“Forma, what you gave me was not a gift, but a curse! My heart is now full of disgust and hatred!”
“My child, human language was created to easily label what humans find beautiful and what they perceive as ugly. When humans did not have language, they ran across the grasslands for a long time to express Bonheur and shed tears as big as lakes to express Amour. You are suffering because I gave up on you at the mercy of a language that is lighter than the wind. Who do you want to be recognized by after obtaining what the language calls ‘beauty’? By others? Or, by yourself?”
Belle answered by wailing.
“The truth is, I want to recognize it by myself. I want to accept myself. I want to love myself.”
Forma nodded her head.
“Then do just that. Get back the wings you gave up on for mere language and fly in the highest sky. Get back your feathers and endure the harshest winter. Get your hooves back and run across the widest land. You will know the truth from the tips of your wings that flutter in the sky, through the warmth that surrounds you, to the legs that bounce with all their might. It is a feeling that is only yours and no one else’s, so you should never turn your back on it again. You should not be dissatisfied with the fact that you cannot reach that with mere language.”
And so, Belle realised.
‘You are happiest when you love yourself and not anyone else. It is the vast and profound beauty that cannot be expressed in words.’
Belle fell in love with her own self forever. Because only she could give herself true happiness. Then, her appearance no longer changed. ]
***
As Ed finished reading the last page and closed the old book, Lil also covered her jewellery box containing the necklace.
Lil reflected on what she had read over and over again.
‘Myths are like folklore or fairy tales for children because it’s to be interpreted and passed down in a way that humans can understand. But although the words and sentences are easy, the implications are by no means light…’
Running her hand down the red velvet box, Lil declared.
“I’ll never wear it again.”
“…”
Even so, she didn’t take her hand off the box for a while. When she finally moved her hand, she held it out to Ed.
“Use it for your research.”
“Thank you.”
Ed placed the jewellery box on the seat across from the carriage. Whenever he was alone with Lil, he always sat next to her. Like this time, they were sitting facing the direction the carriage was moving, and the seats across from them were littered with various documents and letters that they had to deal with.
The carriage had just passed the border and ran along the well-paved road. The road connecting the Empire with Obernyu.
On Ed’s lap lay a combination of newspapers that had just arrived from Sesbron, foreign affairs, and reports from the Navy and the Retiro residence in Sesbron. All unorganised. Among them, Ed picked up the newspaper and handed it to Lil.
“This is yesterday’s edition.”
The newspaper contained the latest news about Sesbron. The first thing that caught Lil’s eye was Count Lazilière’s statement of penitence. Regarding the lawsuit for annulment of the marriage between Jeanne and Mireille, he expressed regret for tarnishing Lil’s reputation and displeasing the judge with his unflattering words and actions.
But his statement was full of neat and refined sentences that Lazilière couldn’t possibly have put on paper himself. It was as if someone had ghost-written it.
Lil said, pointing to the title of the statement.
“How could Lazilière write such a prestigious inscription? …Do you have something you need to tell me?”
Ed, who was reading a report from his naval attaché, glanced at her.
“…What?”
‘He’s feigning ignorance.’
Lil snatched another sheet from between his reports.
“This… looks like a counter statement from Mireille?”
Ed took out his glasses and answered with his eyes fixed on the report.
“He must have written it in haste, because if not, only Lazilière would be considered extenuating. His head is about to be blown off, so there is no way for him to be able to hold out.”
“You’re behind this, aren’t you?”
Lil clearly recalled the moment when Ed learned the specifics of the trial.
‘After finding out that Mireille had grabbed my hair, Ed became so quiet that his murderous intent, visible from that expressionless look, even gave me goosebumps.’
Ed looked back at Lil, who had folded the paper on her lap.
“You said you wanted an apology.”
‘That’s right. And that was the reason why I went to the tower where Mireille was detained. But as expected, Mireille only said the obvious things. For Mireille, the only person he could ask for forgiveness from was the Emperor. Asking for forgiveness from a “possession” like me was something that his values would deem unacceptable. I may have used a different method to force Mireille to apologise, but time ran out as I had to leave for Obernyu first.’
“Rather than a personal apology, I wanted to set a precedent. I wanted to let anyone know that perpetrators can’t hide in silence if they commit something like that.”
“I feel the same way. But I couldn’t just ignore the fact that he publicly insulted you like that. Our encounter at the Simena Hotel was a different matter because there was just us. But for this, I took advantage of the newspaper’s power of publicity. If I hadn’t taken your intentions into account, I’d have crushed his knees to force him to kneel in front of you for the rest of his life. It killed me that I couldn’t actually kill him, so please allow me this much.”
Lil looked down at the page again.
‘He did take things in a relatively moderate manner considering how his eyes had turned cold. Even now, I can’t help but notice the anger radiating from his body. However, I did say that I wanted to handle my issues in Sesbron as much as possible alone… Nonetheless, it’s hard for me to stay stubborn and scold him. Especially knowing that he only persists when he truly can’t stand it…’
Lil, whose gaze was directed outside, patted Ed’s shoulder.
“Okay. I forgive you for meddling with my affairs.”
Ed raised his eyebrows and nodded.
“Thank goodness.”
“But what did you do to get him so obedient that he would give this massive apology?”
He answered, turning to the report.
“I said I would rip off his scalp.”
Lil swallowed a laugh at Ed’s unexpected answer.
“Like what you did with your enemies?”
“I told him I would peel off the back of his head to take out his skull and use it as a specimen to be studied in the field of phrenology.”
“Phrenology?”
“…”
‘Phrenology is a discipline that believes that human emotional temperament can be understood by examining the shape and size of the human skull. It’s mainly used to illustrate other races’ supposed inferiority by pulling out their skulls.’
When Lil once asked Ed about this, he said that phrenology was an incredibly unscientific discipline.
“You hate phrenology.”
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