Merchant Crab

The giant golden crab stepped out of his tent with a wide stretch and a yawn, his two mighty claws stretched out to the clear skies of that sunny morning. Lazily scratching his backside with his silver pincer, Balthazar strolled down to the water and washed away his grogginess before lifting the cover of a wicker basket half buried in the sand, so as to keep its contents fresh and shielded from the spoiling heat, and took out a slice of strawberry pie.

Holding the slice in his pincer, he casually walked along the shore, admiring his beautiful home.

The old tree above, its branches swaying gently in the breeze.

Slow ripples forming from the waterfall, slowly dispersing on the surface in such a calming manner.

The sweet summer scent of flowers and ripe fruits, bringing a sense of joy in the air.

The birds happily singing and chirping in the distance, spoiling what would otherwise be a perfect start to a crab’s morning.

Balthazar sighed and took another bite of his pie before crossing the wooden footpath connecting the islet to his trading post.

Druma was still fast asleep on his bed of hay. For some reason, he still preferred sleeping like that, despite them having plenty of cushions and pillows.

Bouldy was still sitting behind the tent, just as he had been all night, quietly observing the fish swimming around in the pond, with the same smile as ever. Golems did not seem to require sleep, nor much movement, apparently.

Arriving at the wooden platform where most of his wares stood, Balthazar tossed the last of his slice into his mouth and scanned his surroundings while slowly chewing.

“Alright, let’s see. What’s on the agenda for today?”

He looked at the shelves filled with random home decorations. He really needed to figure out a way to move those, but unfortunately, adventurers had little reason to buy a candle chandelier on their way out to kill wolves in the forest. Which begged the question of why in the world did they keep taking the damn things and hauling them back to town for just a handful of gold coins.

Adventurers, truly a mystery wrapped in lots of stupidity.

Then he moved his gaze to an open crate of apples. He figured he might need to do some kind of special offer to get rid of them before they went bad. Maybe offer an apple with each potion, as they say that an apple a day keeps the healer away. Of course, he’d have to make sure he charged a gold coin or two more for the potion, to cover the offer of the apple, but they’d take it. Humans loved free stuff, even when it wasn’t really free.

And finally his eyes landed on the barrel right by the entrance. The barrel of beer he had traded at the end of the previous day, and that now laid on its side, uncorked, with a small puddle of spilled liquid in front of it.

“Oh, damn it!” Balthazar exclaimed as he rushed to the barrel.

He gave its wooden side a soft kick with his left leg—the second one counting from the front—and confirmed what he already suspected: it was empty.

“I can’t believe it. Thieves, again?!” the angry crab said to himself. “That Antoine guy has to be behind this, I’m sure of it! Stealing my merchandise, the scumbag!” He paced back and forth, thoughts quickly racing through his head. “But why just the beer? There were plenty of other valuables around that are untouched. And why not just take the whole barrel? Wouldn’t it have been easier and faster?”

Balthazar looked down at the ground and noticed a trail of spilled beer droplets leading out to the main road. Adjusting his monocle with his pincer, he carefully followed the trail.

A strange noise seemed to grow louder the closer he got to the road.

With his face very close to the dirt, the crab suddenly stopped when he nearly collided with the huge sole of a foot. Slowly lifting his gaze from the ground, Balthazar saw the foot belonged to a humanoid figure lying on the road, arms and legs sprawled, huge protruding belly sticking up as it slowly moved in rhythm with the snoring of the creature.

“The hell…” Balthazar involuntarily said, the words escaping his mouth at the sight of the giant lying asleep in front of him.

But asleep the giant was no more, for Balthazar’s surprised exclamation was enough to cause a loud snort from the creature, who stopped snoring and began turning its head, its eyes lazily opening.

“Oh, no, no, no,” the not-so-giant-at-that-moment crab muttered while slowly backing away from the behemoth who was awkwardly trying to move onto his hands and knees, in an attempt to stand up.

Stumbling for a moment, the giant finally stood, both arms still held out as if expecting a loss of balance at any moment.

He was tall, nearly as tall as the old tree at the center of Balthazar’s pond. Next to him, not even the top of Bouldy’s head would go much higher than the giant’s ribs.

His skin was not much different from that of a human, except with a more grayed out hue to it, and visibly rougher. His head was bald, but his face had a long and bushy brown beard, with eyes that looked old and very, very tired. He wore a loincloth made of what appeared to be a bear’s skin wrapped around his waist, with a long animal pelt extended over his shoulder and connecting to the back.

Balthazar stood in awe of the figure standing in front of him, his silver pincer quickly having to reach up to keep the monocle from falling off his eye as he stared up.

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[Level 35 Giant]

Glancing back towards the center of his pond, Balthazar considered calling for Bouldy, but his inaptitude to follow orders properly and images of the golem being crushed by an even larger giant played in the crab’s mind, making him hold his tongue.

The massive being blinked slowly, apparently still unaware of his surroundings, and a loud gurgling echoed from his stomach, causing him to throw his head back before a belch erupted from his mouth, loud enough to make Balthazar’s shell vibrate around him, and a flock of birds to fly away from a nearby tree.

“Oh, goodness gracious!” Balthazar blurted out in disgust, while waving away the smell with a pincer.

Alerted to the crab’s presence, the giant looked around for the source of the complaint, having apparent trouble pinpointing it, until finally focusing his sight down on him with difficulty.

The giant frowned slowly, as if taking a long time to process the strange creature he was towering over. With his mouth slowly opening, a conclusion began forming in his expression, and he spoke in a deep hoarse voice. “Crab.”

He raised one foot over Balthazar, readying to crush him underneath it, the crab trying to skitter away from the huge shadow growing over him. But before the foot finished coming down, the giant lost his balance from standing on just one leg, and fell down, sitting with a loud thump on the ground.

Stopping his mad dash, Balthazar looked back at the sitting creature, his gaze looking distant and hazy.

“You’re completely wasted, aren’t you?” he said, slowly approaching the giant once more.

“Hungry!” the other loudly said, attempting to reach for the crab with one hand, but missing and falling with his face down.

“Hey! I’m not your snack, you big oaf!” Balthazar exclaimed. “Hands off!”

“Gold crab. Tasty,” the giant said as he attempted to lift his head off the road, a goofy smile on his face as he licked his lips.

“You’re one big… Hey, look at me!” the crab angrily said, snapping a pincer at the giant whose eyes were drifting away again. “You drank my entire barrel of beer, didn’t you?”

“Beeeeeeer,” the drunken lout slurred.

“Unbelievable. You know how much that could have made me? It could have lasted me for days, served dozens of adventurers. I could have charged a fortune for each pint. And you drank it all in one night!”

“Noisy!”

The giant grunted angrily as he stood up again, one hand on his head, a headache clearly pounding at him.

“Crab, get back. That’s a giant!”

The voice came from an adventurer running down from town, his sword in hand.

“Oh, really? Where? I must have missed him between the short grass,” Balthazar sarcastically replied. “Of course it’s a giant. I got eyes, in case you didn’t know!”

Another two adventurers came running from the south, out of the forest, but stood back, observing the situation with hesitation.

“Step aside, I’ll get him!” the bold fighter declared, readying himself with both hands on the hilt of his sword.

Balthazar looked at the level 5 in disbelief.

“Kid, you can’t be serious.”

Ignoring the crab, the adventurer charged forward, sword held high above his head, yelling at the top of his lungs, in a battle cry that included an awkward amount of voice cracks.

“Noisy!” the irritable giant said once more, as he reached to the side of the road and picked up a dead tree trunk with alarming ease.

Before anyone could blink, the giant swung his improvised club from below with both hands, causing a rush of wind around them, and hit the running adventurer with a loud boom that made the other two adventurers cover their ears. The boy turned into a blur, shooting up into the blue sky at a deadly speed, his tiny black speck quickly becoming untraceable.

Balthazar gulped as his eyes slowly lowered from the sky and back to the giant who now stood with one arm leaning on the upright trunk, and the other hand holding his—presumably—throbbing head.

The pair of adventurers behind him further down the road stood nervously with their bow and mace drawn. Balthazar cautiously moved to the side of the giant, while gesticulating towards them.

“Don’t be stupid!” he muttered between his breath.

The giant groaned and looked down at the crab.

“Hey, hey, easy now. Let’s hold off on the whole crab breakfast thing for just a moment, alright?” Balthazar said, both pincers gently patting the air in front of him. “We can talk. You can understand me, right?”

The miserable looking giant nodded slowly. “Chatty crab.”

“Yep, that’s me, alright,” the talking crab agreed. “Look, you’re clearly having a rough morning, I get it. Probably been dealing with annoying adventurers harassing you all day out there in the fields, looking to loot you. Trust me, I know how much of a pest those idiots can be. And then you just want to have a moment to relax, have a drink, maybe twenty, and next thing you know you’re passed out in the middle of the road, am I right? We’ve all been there.”

The creature nodded again and gave him a slight shrug.

“Totally understandable,” Balthazar continued. “Everyone needs to unwind now and then. But surely even you understand you shouldn’t just go around taking what isn’t yours, right? How would you feel if someone sneaked into your camp in the middle of the night and… uh, ate all your cheese, or whatever you giants have at your camps?”

“Angry. Smash!” the other said with a frown.

“Yes, sure. Exactly. Not good,” the crab cautiously said, still nervously checking the tree trunk’s movements. “So you can understand how it’s not right to just come in here and drink my whole barrel without paying, right?”

The giant slumped slightly and looked away from the crab.

“Look, you got a giant wife back at camp, right? You look the type.” The giant hesitantly nodded. “Probably even a couple of little… big kids, or something. Just think what they would feel if they could see you now, with a monumental hangover after a night of drinking, and smacking people around while refusing the pay your debts. Very disappointed, I’m sure.”

The embarrassed titan looked down and shrugged again. “I pay.”

Reaching with his fingers between his animal furs, the giant retrieved a bar of solid gold between his fingertips and dropped it in front of the crab. “Good?”

“Uh, yes, this will do nicely indeed,” Balthazar responded, his eyes glistening with greed as he stared at the large bar of gold. “Tell you what, you should probably start heading back home. Your people must be worried, and you don’t want to stick around here for too long. Those loud adventurers will start running up and down the road soon. I’ll even give you a parting offer.”

The crab took the bar of gold and ran to his trading post, returning with a very large clay jug held above his shell.

“Here you go, goat’s milk. I hear there’s nothing better to cure a hangover.”

The hesitant giant took the jug between his index and thumb and gave it a sniff.

“Although that might be more like goat cheese now, with how long I’ve had it sitting there,” Balthazar whispered under his breath.

“Thank you, crab,” the giant said, with a small white patch on his beard after taking a sip from the jug.

“No problem. Happy to have another satisfied customer!”

Balthazar watched with relief as the giant slowly made his way out through the plains, milk jug in one hand, tree trunk dragging behind him in the other.

Turning away, the crab looked at the two adventurers still standing down the road, looking at him and whispering to one another.

“What are you gawking at? Get moving!”

As he walked back into his trading post, a sleepy goblin came to greet him, still rubbing his eyes.

“Mornin’, boss,” Druma said.

“Seriously? You only woke up now?” Balthazar asked. “You slept through all that?”

“What happen, boss?” the curious goblin inquired, while fitting his hat on his head.

“Why don’t I tell you about it over some slices of pie?”

The two of them walked across the bridge, back to the inner islet, as Balthazar began telling the goblin all about the giant.

Behind them, far off into the distance of the plains, a tiny black dot could be seen falling back down from the sky and straight into the ground, landing with a small cloud of dust over the horizon.

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