Is It Bad That the Main Character’s a Roleplayer?

“Hey, don’t tilt it like that. It’ll spill if you do.”

“Whoa, did it spill?”

“It did. Completely.”

“Hey, this is kinda difficult…”

“That’s because you can’t control your strength. How can someone who can draw such precise lines struggle with pouring water?”

“Does that have anything to do with this…?”

Despite fumbling around, I tried to focus so as not to miss a single bit of my friend’s explanation.

In the grand scheme of things, it wasn’t anything too complicated, but the complete foreignness of this action made me feel exceedingly awkward.

“You don’t have to be so tense. No one’s going to say anything if you make a mistake.”

However, few things were as enjoyable as learning new things, especially when it was for research and your friend willingly volunteered to help.

I repeated the action of pouring water from the kettle into the earthen bowl a few more times. Pouring itself was easy, but maintaining a smooth, steady flow was pretty tricky.

Then my friend, lips twitching slightly, adjusted my hands. That twitch was a habit of his that only came out when he was satisfied with something.

As I had thought, it was a good thing I didn’t do it half-heartedly.

He wasn’t all that petty, so he wouldn’t have been too upset even if I had, but… since we’re such close friends, it was sometimes even more important to show some respect.

“Now you’re getting the hang of it.”

“Ah, so I got it?”

“Yeah, you got it. Now you can say that you learned this from me without embarrassing me.”

We had practiced for quite a while, didn’t we?

“Alright, I’m in a good mood. If you can still do this the next time we meet, I’ll show you something I really treasure.”

“Something you treasure?”

“It’s really expensive and good: a tea that’s been aged for forty years.”

“…Won’t its aroma have faded by now?”

“It’s been really well preserved. Time doesn’t mean much as long as it’s stored well.”

“Oh… Can I really drink something as precious as that?”

“When did I say that I’d let you drink it? Didn’t I only say that I’d show it to you?”

“You maniac.”

After some light banter, my friend, whose upper face I couldn’t clearly make out, curled his lips slightly.

Drip. Tears as thick as rain fell from his face. I had never seen him cry like that.

“If you’re that desperate to try it, I won’t keep it from you.”

It was at that instant that the realization hit me like a truck.

“So please… just come back, you idiot. I’m begging you, please come back alive…”

This was a dream.

* * *

“Urgh!”

The moment I woke up, the sharp scent of a sterile, enclosed space hit my nose. Sssh, ssh. It was uncomfortable to breathe, yet strangely comforting. Come back. Someone’s familiar voice was ringing in my ear.

“Mister?”

But even that soon faded from memory.

Trying to avoid all these distant sensations, I covered my eyes with my left hand.

I must have been sweating a lot; the palm touching my face was really damp.

“Mister, are you awake?”

“Did we get it?”

My memory was a bit fuzzy due to the dream I’d just had, so it was hard to piece everything together, but… I could still remember that someone interfered with the subjugation at the very last moment.

Everything around us was blazing red, and the intruder was holding something dark—I vaguely remembered that it was the corpse of the Skyflow Tiger—so I thought it was only right to ask about that first. Judging by the softness I was lying on, we were safe for now.

“…”

But why wasn’t he answering me? Was it just me, or was he unable to find the right words to respond with?

“…We lost it.”

It seemed I hadn’t been mistaken.

Although Deb sounded like he was spitting out a curse, that was probably because of its content.

Crack.

Now, I had to worry about how to act out my character.

“Don’t force yourself to get up! Where do you think you’re going after being unconscious for ten days…?!”

“Let go…!”

Urgh. Of course, seeing how the plot was progressing, it was natural that they would lose it, but it was still a shame!

If the Skyflow Tiger’s corpse really had been stolen, that meant I had been robbed of a Boss’ corpse twice now. Once was still acceptable, but twice? Were the writers brain-dead or something? They definitely didn’t know how to write a proper scenario!

“If you don’t want to shatter another seal, lie down!”

“…!”

What did he just say?

“…Please, understand your condition before trying to move.”

It seemed he’d also completely mastered how to handle my character.

Fine. If he put it like that, my character would have no choice but to yield.

With that thought in mind, I let all the strength drain from my body. Thud. A familiar soft sensation enveloped my back once again. I wondered whether the straw beneath me had been freshly laid.

“…”

I found it hard enough to move anyway, so maybe this was for the best.

Grateful for Deb’s words, I raised my arm to cover my eyes again. The light streaming in through the window was so blinding that I couldn’t help it.

“…Erm, mister, about what I just said…”

Ah, but lying down like this made me want to sleep more. However, I should probably figure out what had happened first, including the matter with the Skyflow Tiger’s corpse and that intruder.

“It’s…”

Knock, knock!

Then again, that would be rather annoying. Just as that feeling was about to take over my body, a knocking sound woke me back up.

My arm still resting over my eyes, I opened my mouth.

“What is it?”

Judging by the feel of my upper body and the arm over my eyes, I was likely only wearing bandages and a shirt right now, so it might be best to avoid letting others see me like this and keep interactions brief.

That was the decision I came to after long consideration.

“Erm, I brought a damp cloth to wipe your body…”

The person outside answered. A damp cloth, huh? Well, they couldn’t have left me unwashed while I was unconscious, nor could they have dunked me in a tub of water, so that was probably their only option.

“Ah, let me take care of this.”

Deb quickly jumped up and got the towel while I sat up.

“Mister, there’s no need to get…”

“Leave.”

I might not have fully recovered yet, but it wasn’t like I couldn’t move at all. And as long as he was awake, my character would definitely not let anyone see his body like this.

“But, it’s still…”

“I won’t repeat myself.”

“…”

It was only after Deb put down the cloth and basin and left that I picked it up.

When I put the towel soaked in hot water against my face, a gentle warmth gradually seeped into my skin.

“…Ah.”

If I could move, wouldn’t it have been better to go to the bathhouse? That thought briefly crossed my mind, but I dismissed it quickly. Calling someone to prepare a bath for me or going there myself seemed like such a hassle to me right now.

For the first time in a long while, my laziness overcame my desire to stay clean.

『If you can still do this the next time we meet, I’ll show you something I really treasure.』

“…I want to drink tea.”

But for some strange reason, I was really craving tea right now.

『So please… just come back, you idiot. I’m begging you, please come back alive…』

I really wanted to drink some—a lot of it.

Not just any tea, but that forty-year-old tea you mentioned. Or even just the hot water you usually gave me when you weren’t satisfied with the results of my practice.

If only I could just drink something in the place where I was supposed to be, I would be truly happy.

Clatter.

I put down the towel.

Something thick rose in my throat, but I just swallowed it down. I already knew the name of that feeling, so I didn’t need to think about it any further.

I tried to dismiss it as something as trivial as changing my clothes. I should just wash up properly, laziness be damned. I couldn’t drink tea with a filthy body, so I should just clean it.

Creak.

I opened the door and stepped into the hallway. Since I had been staying at the Ednium Temple for quite some time, I didn’t need anyone to guide me to the bathhouse. I had perfectly memorized the directions.

“This feels unpleasant…”

As soon as I left the room, a persistent, unpleasant feeling almost inevitably overcame me.

Judging by how I started feeling this way immediately after going through the door, it seemed they had taken some special measures to keep out that unpleasantness for me. I didn’t know why they did it or what the principle behind this presumed barrier was, though.

“Ah, Sir Knight, since when did are…”

Anyway, I made it to the bathhouse. I told the priest I coincidentally met in the hallway just to bring me some hot water and now waited by the entrance to the bathhouse.

The priests there seemed somewhat confused but soon returned with buckets of hot water in their hands.

“Well then, please call us when the water cools down. We’ll prepare fresh hot water for you.”

“No need.”

I didn’t have the mental or physical strength to soak in the bath for long. It would be enough just to wash away these lingering emotions inside me.

So, as usual, I kicked out all the attendants and slid into the wooden tub.

It seemed the priests had trimmed my hair while I was unconscious, seeing that the hair floating in the water looked a bit shorter than before.

The same went for the uneven parts at the back of my head, which looked like rats had eaten away at my hair after trimming it myself. The hair I absentmindedly touched there was smooth.

At this point, I contemplated whether I should collapse regularly to keep my hair in style. If anyone else heard this joke that only I could laugh at, they would scream at me.

* * *

‘How long will you keep looking away?’

And once my head was completely soaked, the laughter I had barely managed to evoke abruptly stopped.

Having temporarily removed my eyepatch, my right eye was left completely exposed above the water’s surface.

‘How long can you keep lying to yourself?’

The faded rose hue, devoid of any other color, reflected that this face wasn’t really mine.

‘Just how long…’

Splash.

Most sorrows could be washed away with hot water. Most distracting thoughts, as well.

So I just submerged my head below the water. And when I couldn’t hold my breath anymore, I lifted my head back up.

“Come to think of it, it’s been a while since I recorded a letter, hasn’t it?”

The water seemed to cool with my tears.

“Hah, if Mom, Dad, and even my friends were to see me like this, how upset would they be?”

Now that I thought of it, there was this saying.

“Crazy bastard, can’t even leave a proper letter regularly… Risking your life as if it were gum stuck to the sole of your shoe, even though you can’t be sure whether you’d really resurrect after you die. Real smart, aren’t you? That’s what they’d say.”

A strong denial is a strong affirmation.

“They’d think I’m the biggest idiot there is. A world-class moron…”

I was never fond of it because it was typically used when people were acting stubborn, but regardless of my dislike for it, I sometimes couldn’t help but acknowledge that there was some truth to it.

“…But what else can I do?”

For instance, right now.

“I can’t think of any other way to return, and the only way forward requires me to risk my own life.”

Even so, there was no reason to stop.

“A path too frightening to walk down unless I believe I could start over again if I fail…”

Yeah, I had no reason to stop.

“If I didn’t take it this lightly, how else could I possibly bear it…?”

That was the best I could do for now.

“My heart always hurts right before a battle. I’m terrified I might actually die, and my heart starts racing so fast that it feels like it might burst out of my chest.”

The idea that I only had one shot at this was itself nothing but a source of fear and terror. No matter how fearless my character was supposed to be, it didn’t change anything.

In the end, the person beneath him was me, and I was just a cowardly, ordinary person.

“So, Mom, Dad, you idiot friends of mine… if you ever see this, please don’t think of me as stupid.”

That was why I was deceiving myself like this.

If I just fully convinced myself that I would revive if I died, that retrying was always an option, then maybe I could keep going as lightheartedly as I was without being weighed down by fear.

“Please don’t mock my best efforts.”

Even so, sometimes, fear just crept through the gaps in my mind.

Death, loss, oblivion, loneliness.

“I can barely hold on with the belief that if I overcome all of this, I’ll get to see you all again.”

Anxiety.

The anxiety that all my effort and struggling might be for nothing.

“I’m holding on with the hope that I can hang out with you all again after this is over.”

Ah, if only this world really was just a game. Even if it was a brutal roguelike with no restarts, how happy would I be if only I could be sure this was just a game?

If this world was just part of a game, if it was just following some predetermined scenario.

Then, I wouldn’t have to doubt again and again whether a happy ending was awaiting me at the end of all this hardship and pain. I could face it all with a smile on my face.

“Please.”

Therefore, this had to be a game. Even if it was just a lie that I kept telling myself, it had to be a game.

Otherwise.

Otherwise…

“Please, just tell me that I’m doing well.”

I wouldn’t be able to convince myself to endure these relentless trials.

“Tell me that I’ll make it back after all of this…”

If I lost even the tiny sliver of hope I had barely managed to hold on to.

“Please, you piece of crap system…”

Even though the weight of this life forced onto me was crushing down on me like a mountain.

* * *

Yet, while denying this world, I also found myself wanting to know the truth.

While it might leave me in despair, at least I wouldn’t have any lingering regrets.

* * *

Whoosh.

After brushing aside the ever-unresponsive system like usual, I poured a bucket of soap water over my hair that felt like it had been drenched in blood.

After diligently scrubbing my hair, I wiped my skin as if trying to scrape it off, attempting to remove even the faintest red stain. It was to the point where it felt like I was almost separating my skin from my bones.

However, I knew no matter what I did, I could never restore the humanity that had been shattered and broken within me.

I never turned away from that truth. No matter how much I escaped reality, I could never deny this.

However, even if my humanity was fragmented, that didn’t mean I would throw away my guilt. If I did, I would truly lose an intrinsic part of what made me human.

“You…”

Hence, I just wandered aimlessly, burdened with this guilt. These lingering feelings were why I wanted to drink tea after washing up.

Of course, if I went to the dining hall, it was very likely that the Archmage would prepare some tea for me, but… I wasn’t really in the mood to be around the others.

“You’re awake! I was just on my way to pay you a visit… I’m glad to see you’re feeling better.”

I didn’t hate them, of course. It was just that I wanted to drink tea with someone else, and since they weren’t in this world, there was no one else I wanted to be around now.

“What do you want?”

Anyway, I shook off all my idle thoughts and focused on Young Lord Ednium—it seemed he had just entered the Temple—whom I just so happened to run into.

Young Lady Camborough was next to him, so it seemed he’d been highly preoccupied with courting her before she left.

“Uhm, while late… I wanted to extend my sincerest gratitude to you. You saved my life.”

“I’m also greatly indebted to you for avenging my citizens.”

The two noble heirs gracefully bowed to me.

“…”

But their gratitude didn’t really reach me.

I was far too drained to feel any sense of accomplishment from the people I had saved. More accurately, I just lacked the energy to feel happy.

“Ah.”

“…This…”

So I just passed them without a single word. Given what I had done for them, I knew they would overlook this, even if they thought I was being rude.

Tak.

They might let it slide, but thinking about it more, I found I had some business with them.

I turned my body slightly.

“I have something to ask you.”

“…! Please, ask anything! As long as it’s within my knowledge, I shall do my best to answer you.”

“I shall also do my best to be of service.”

This kind of earnestness wasn’t really necessary for what I would be asking.

“Who was that person who acted like they knew me that time?”

“…?”

Although the earnestness was unnecessary, interpreting the Demon Knight’s words did require some skill. Young Lord Ednium seemed confused, while Young Lady Camborough furrowed her eyebrows, appearing deep in thought.

“If… you are referring to the meeting of lords, then that person would be Lord Bergard.”

Fortunately, the young lady of Camborough’s perceptiveness pulled through.

“Got it.”

Bergard, Bergard.

It was pretty easy to remember since it was a bit similar to ‘Berserk.’

With that in mind, I decided to find someone with a map.

After all, I needed to know where Bergard was in order to go there.

And once I went there, perhaps I could uncover the truth about this body I was inhabiting. I might even stumble upon some clues about the system as well.

It was a pretty common cliché for the past of the body you possessed to connect with the larger events happening in the present.

“Erm, Sir Knight.”

I closed my eyes tightly, torn between wanting this all to just be a game and being unable to ignore the truth any longer.

Young Lady Camborough and Young Lord Ednium, who seemed to have ‘spoken with just their eyes,' got my attention again.

“If you wish to meet the lord of Bergard, I can arrange that. There is a Magic Tower in Bergard, and there are also quite a few wizards in this city at the moment.”

That was… quite sudden yet undeniably good news.

“The price?”

“Oh, how could I ask for something in this situation? I will send a message to Bergard on your behalf as soon as I return to the manor. Since it’s a message from none other than you, Sir Knight, it shouldn’t take long—!”

Pinch.

“…However, the lord may have some matters to attend to, so it could take some time. We ask for your patience.”

“M-Mia…”

For some reason, the young lord of Ednium suddenly got very excited and rambled on about something, which the young lady of Camborough promptly corrected, but anyway.

“That’s fine.”

“Thank you for your understanding. When the reply arrives, should we send someone to the Temple?”

I glanced at the young lord of Ednium, who was now holding his side after being pinched by the young lady of Camborough, and then fixed my gaze on her again. I wondered why she was asking whether someone should be sent to the Temple.

“Or would you prefer to wait inside the manor?”

Ah, did she mean to ask whether I wanted to wait in the Temple or the manor?

“I’ll go to the manor.”

“Very well. Then we shall escort you to the manor.”

Following my character setting, I answered without hesitation. Even though my mind was torn between not wanting to go to the manor and knowing I had to.

____

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